Yep, I have been absent for a very long time. Not that there hasn't been anything to write about, but there has been so little time or extra energy, and lets face it, I did not make it a priority. Long story short, I (finally) defended my dissertation in May, next week is the end of internship, and I am still here (barely). As soon as I have a little extra communication from my dissertation chair I can submit my final paper to the library and will actually have a PhD. After all this, the joy and struggle, the stress and thrill, the climbing, sometimes falling, and climbing again. And somehow my children are still alive, mentally and physically healthy, and talking to me (not bad for having three teens in the middle of this whirlwind life). I learned some very important lessons along the way (some I did well, others will require more work).
1. Your committee chair is as interested in your completion as you are - if there is a hold up at this person's end, do not hesitate to (politely and gently) lean on them or nudge them to get things moving. Talking about the time line early is helpful and can lay the foundation for you to do this if needed (AKA "we want to have this defended by Z date, meaning the committee needs the final draft by Y, so lets plan a calendar together to keep things on track. How much time do you need to turn around a draft, how many drafts would you like us to pass back and forth, etc...") Having this conversation, making an actual calendar to share with my chair, and using it as a guideline when time became an issue was immensely helpful for me (i.e. - "I have only 2 weeks left to have the final draft to my committee and still make our planned date; I will need that draft back soon if you want another revision"). It kept us both accountable, which has been an issue in this process (see previous postings)...
2. Life will happen while you are busy - try to stay open to it. I often suck as this one, but luckily not always (or I would not have met, dated, and married my partner which was completely unexpected). If you take on a PhD program while having family (with or without children), or even while trying to have friendships outside of school, this will become more challenging. While prioritizing, make sure you include being human into your priorities. My kids had concerts, plays, and events that made it easy for me to pull myself out of "work" mode. My partner was great about making space for my work while also encouraging me to escape occasionally, luring me to the symphony or a play or even just out to walk along the river. I called my far away friends, who I miss dearly and don't connect with nearly as often as I would like. One area I really fell down on this was at work, though. I was so focused on completing the details and getting through all of what I needed to do as an intern and dissertating PhD candidate that I missed out on my colleagues. I worked through lunches too often (or went grocery shopping, or took kids to appointments); I didn't hang out after work (for parenting reasons mostly, but still...). In short, life happened while I was working, and I missed on much of this part of it. If you can, try to stay open and connected, even at a short term placement. It is much easier (at least if you are wired the way I am) to regret not finishing a task as well as you would have liked than it is to regret missing out on relationships with people you really genuinely enjoy and value.
3. It is OK to say no - even if it is not easy. I have had to say no to so many things, so many times this year and it stressed me out a lot. But people seemed to understand, most were not upset or offended, and even if they were we all survived with our relationships intact. The worst was telling my mother she could not come visit one weekend - she was hurt and offended, I felt like a rotten daughter, etc. And neither one of us died from the discomfort. And I got most of my final dissertation work done in that weekend that I kept boundaries around, which is exactly what I needed. And mom and I still have a great relationship. So identify what you need, what you can and cannot do, and don't be afraid to firmly and kindly maintain your boundaries.
4. None of us is an island - and if it seems like you are its time to reach out to someone. See #2 above. Bottom line, we need people, including grown up time. Too much moonlighting as an island will make a person crispy around the edges and much less effective in all areas of life, at least it does for me...and most of the clients I talk to who try it...
5. Eat chocolate, scones, cherries, anything you really enjoy that feels like a treat; or go for a run, or a walk, or a hike, or veg out in front of some God awful reality TV show you are addicted to... just do something that recharges you in some way.
There are others, I just can't think any more at this time...I'm tired. I will try to be less absentee, perhaps post more fun things, maybe recipes for chocolate things....I love chocolate therapy...
