Frustration, your name is Dragon!!!

OK, so I am just posting to randomly make fun of my general inability to get my transcription program up and running....  At what point do I scrap it and transcribe the interviews by hand...it is 6+ hours of audio... that's a lot of typing, rewinding, pausing, and typing...

Anyone who knows me can tell you that I am not the most tech savvy individual out there, but when I follow the step by step instructions 3 times, try 2 or 3 alternative routes, and remember to check for updates and then try again and something still doesn't work, I begin to wonder if it is me or if there might be an error in the instructions or maybe a problem with the installation or program...

I guess the logical solution is to call the tech support people...they are so much more knowledgeable than me, and they deal with frustrated non-tech folks daily.  As far as frustrated folks go, I am pretty easy to deal with; I am usually laughing at myself before I call, which sets the tone for a pleasant session of helping and being helped...At least they will have another story to share at the water cooler about how this lady missed this crucial but obvious step...glad it's not video; the world doesn't need another blonde joke running amok in someone's office...

Crazy, Wonderful Week

OK, so I am back for an update, but life is soooo busy right now and I don't know when I will post next.  Can I just say that this has been an amazing week.  You know, the kind of week where great things are happening, problems arise but are all solved readily, and most things on the "to do" list are accomplished.

Last Saturday I watched some of my friends walk for their PhDs and MAs.  Two of them had family in from out of town and small apartments so I got to host a double Grad Party on Sunday, complete with bocce, cake, a fire, and s'mores - so fun hanging with everyone's family!  Monday was a clinic day and an evening rehearsal for my oldest daughter.  So far, so good; but that's inevitably when the crazy sets in...The neighbor needed to go to the ER, so we watched her kids.  My son and youngest daughter worked together to keep it sane while I picked the oldest daughter up from her rehearsal (I love having teenagers!), then my kids got themselves ready for bed while I took the other two home and put them to bed.  They were just tucked in when their mom got home, and she had already arranged to have some of her other friends help out over the next couple days while she recuperated. 

Tuesday at 8AM I headed out of town for two days to collect dissertation data; our tutor was going to spend the night with the kids.  I was halfway to my first destination when she texted me...poor thing had come down with the flu!  Well, 2 lane winding roads through the mountains are no place to make a phone call, and there were no places to pull over...so I let it go for the moment and enjoyed the beautiful drive.  There is nothing quite like the view when you crest a mountain pass and look down at a huge lake with a quaint little town on the shore, tall, jagged, snow capped peaks in the background, and morning mist still rising off the lake...too bad I couldn't stop to take a photo.  At least I was present in the moment to appreciate it.  An hour and a half later I got to my destination and started contacting friends to fill in.  By the time my meeting started I had a volunteer (it honestly didn't take much effort, I have amazing friends)!  The meeting was fantastic, and I got to know a colleague a little better in the process.  (Did I mention I think I work with truly excellent people)?  I headed back to town to take care of a couple things to make my friend's evening easier; the few hours of extra travel time were worth it.  It also helped me to slow down again and enjoy the pace of the day; I guess I had a more settled feeling having navigated the "worst case" scenario and ending up with a "best case" solution.  Of all my local friends, the kids know her the best and she has a great relationship with them. 

That was the end of crazy (by my definition).  There is a value to not being in a rush; focusing on the journey rather than the destination.  As I was driving to my second destination I saw big horn sheep in the mountains and deer in the fields, sang as loud as I wanted, and stopped to enjoy a beautiful sunset on a back road out in the middle of nowhere.  When I finally arrived I slept like a baby, which I almost never do in a hotel...go figure.  The next day I went to the final meeting, collected the last of my dissertation data, and met some wonderful colleagues in person (after a year or more of knowing them only as voices on the phone).  We finished up early so I stopped at a few interesting places on the way back and still got home in time to have dinner with the kids and spend time together.  All in all, it turned out to be a fantastic trip.

Thursday was consumed with data; updating files with errors in the archival data, re-analyzing the data and creating graphs that reflected the corrections, creating a new spreadsheet to gather some additional information for a different (but related) project, and spending time talking through each task with the RA who is working with me on the projects (who happens to be a brilliant and hard working single mother).

Today was another clinic filled day, followed by an evening concert for my oldest daughter.  Sounds like Monday but with a concert instead of a rehearsal; kinda like the bookends that held this crazy, wonderful week together.  She had a solo and did beautifully.  I got to see some of her friends and my friends who had solos as well (there were adult and child performers), saw colleagues and their families (including my RA and one of my committee members) at and in the event, and spent an evening taking in some live, fun local music with my youngest daughter.

The weekend is looking busy; I really need to go to the grocery store again, drop off the glass recycling, and take the kids to get summer clothes.  And my youngest has a friend coming over to play and work on a school project (I expect it will turn into mostly play).  I would really like to do some writing of my dissertation results.  I already know I am going on a hike with a couple friends Saturday and having a group of friends over for lunch on Sunday.  I guess that looks like balancing housework, family, professional work, and friends.  And just like Tuesday, if something goes a little crazy I will slow down, look at what I need and what my options are, and adjust accordingly.  Maybe sometimes the key to juggling is knowing which ball to set aside or switch, and when to do that (or when to stop and take in a sunset, because juggling can cease and life is still working just fine).

Oh data collection!

I am happy to report that my data collection will be complete as of next Thursday!  Between the IRB and competing demands, it has taken a while to get things moving again, but moving they are.  I ran analyses on my archival data, too, so I am well on the way to the write up phase.  Granted, all the transcription, coding, and qualitative analysis must come first... Still, YAY!  No, not all PhD candidates are this geeked out by this phase, I just have such a short timeline... moving in 8 weeks, still need to finish packing and have a yard sale, transfer the kids school info to the new community, etc.  SO I am celebrating this one tiny but important development, because I need to re-energize.  How to celebrate?  Liberal amounts of chocolate and dancing around the living room with the kids.  That makes any day amazing.

Getting in my own way

      One of the things I like best about self-reflection around a particular experience is the opportunity to see both where I am engaging well and where I am either avoiding or getting in my own way.  This week's frenzy prompted some exploration of all three things; lo and behold, I found ways to increase mobility.  Funny how that works (and it works best if you are willing to be honest with yourself about both the pretty things and the ones that feel icky). 
      I am happy with the emphasis I am keeping on my kids and my friendships.  The kids are a no brainer, and parenting them is easily what I love best about my life.  It helps that they are bright, fun, reasonably balanced, and well rounded youngsters; and I was afraid teenagers would be horrible!  My friends are also important.  Having grown up in a family that moved frequently, it became easy to not get too close to others or to not let them know you are going to miss them; proximity was always a temporary thing.  Being older, and having a few friends who have been around long enough to be historians in my life has impacted that perspective.  I have always valued my friendships and I will always hate goodbyes, but that doesn't stop me from connecting with people.  I feel the pressure of leaving soon, and my initial reaction is to pull back and just be busy (I wouldn't even have to fake it).  Instead I am leaning into those connections, choosing not to disengage from folks, and acknowledging that there will be a feeling of loss because there was relationship.  I like that in the sense that connection does not end when proximity changes; those we are closest to remain present in our thoughts and hearts (and on our phones and facebook). 
     OK, so I am happy with that, but what about the rest of the stuff?  Well, I made progress there as well.  It took looking seriously at what I was avoiding and why to solve my dilemma.  I cannot make my kids not get sick, so in reality I will miss school and work sometimes.  But there is more to it than that.  I have been stuck in the hell of screwball archival data for several weeks without progress.  I was stymied and had not received much from my chair (its his data set).  I knew he needed to take care of some things that were outside my ability to fix, and he had not yet done that.  And he needed to merge the files and find the missing data from one of the sets.  And we talked about before Thanksgiving, at the end of the semester, and via e-mail over break.  OK, enter avoidance.  I was avoiding talking to him about it again.  I hate confrontation, I hate nagging, and I completely identify with competing demands so I don't like to pressure people.  But I REALLY need this stuff fixed so I can do the first phase of analysis for my dissertation, select the target cases for the second phase, and go collect my own data set to wrap it all up.  Did I mention that the semester ends in 13 weeks and that means I will no longer have any undergraduate research assistants to help with transcription and coding after mid May?  My challenge to myself on Wednesday was to talk with my advisor, while looking at the data set together so I could show him exactly what I needed.  In the process of identifying exactly what I needed to make clear to him and how I intended to do that I solved my IRB trimming issue as well (phase 1 will be IRB exempt which saves me from writing about 2 hypotheses in the "500 word only" description section).  Once I got over my avoidance and spoke with my chair, he was on it.  I have one set of tasks he demonstrated how to address; he set himself a deadline of next Tuesday for the other work.
     Now comes the hardest part; admitting where I am getting in my own way.  In addition to working on (or trying to work on) my dissertation, I was doing some extra work for the agency where my dissertation research is housed.  They had data to collect, inventory, correct, clean, and enter, but they were short handed because a colleague was on maternity leave.  I was offered a comfortable hourly rate to help fill the gap, so I did.  I do have 2 teenagers, a tween, and a $1200 per month grocery bill after all.  But it was not leaving me enough time to work on my material.  I had to talk with my chair (as he was the one who wanted me on this other project) and tell him the ways in which my time was being spent and the ways that choice was contributing to my dissertation situation.  Until my own data collection is done, I just cannot spare the time to work on this other project.  It is disappointing for my chair.  It is disappointing to me as this means tightening my belt a bit more, but I need to get as far on my dissertation as possible in the next 13 weeks.  I needed to adjust my expectations and priorities to stop getting in the way of my progress by being over committed, even if the overcommitment developed for good reasons. 
      So its onward and upward, I guess (or maybe forward or sideways)?  I am sure there will be plenty of other opportunities for self reflection as I hiccup my way through this project and the rest of my crazy, busy, joyful life.  Hopefully each time will yield similar results that help me keep it all together and mobile while retaining some semblance of sanity  :-)

Trimming for the IRB

      I need to trim some words - 238 of them to be exact.  This whole endeavor is ridiculous. The instructions say to "briefly summarize the overall intent of the study...include ... a statement of the objectives and the potential benefit to study subjects and/or the advancement of your field.  Generally included are literature related to the problem, hypotheses, and discussion of the problem's importance."  Oh, and you only get 500 words. (Insert frustrated face here).  Fitting internship essays into that length was a bit challenging.  Now I have to cram the description of a complex study with 5 separate hypotheses, a lit review and commentary on why my project matters into 500 words.  I am going to hate the number 500 by the time I graduate.
      I am glad it's Sunday morning; I am going to warm up the car and go  meet some friends for brunch.  Trimming will resume when I get back; I expect I will have a better attitude about it if I let myself step away for a while.