I hate to admit it, but even this supermom gets overwhelmed sometimes. Last week was zany from the beginning; my youngest got injured in Gym class (first hour on Monday) and I had to rearrange the day to accommodate a visit to the doctor and still see my clients. It all worked out, which basically means that I did not fall behind, but I only maintained. The rest of the week felt much the same - sitting with a friend in the ICU, attending a training, shifting client schedules, sleepovers, kids activities, my neighbor backing into my car, comps help for a friend -extra stuff came up that needed to fit in around an already packed life. All of it was important, and I was happy to do it (except the car thing) but I am tired. This week started the same way; by 10 AM Monday I had a sick kid needing to come home from school and a full client schedule; sacrifice another lunch break to the Gods of Juggling.
As I was running back to the office at 1245 yesterday, I passed one of my girlfriends. The proverbial "How are you doing," was followed by honesty this time. I dropped the Minnesota nice "Oh fine" long enough to tell her that I wanted to run away and cry for about an hour and then I would be fine. She's another single mom / grad student, so she knows what I mean when I say this. It means there is too much going on, it does not seem likely to change any time soon, and true respite feels light-years away. So what did she do? The angel picked up dinner and came over at 6, we plunked our kids in front of a movie picnic style and then we sat at the kitchen table discussing our philosophies of life, transition, and why the world is so damn crazy. We also spent some time wondering what insanity could possibly drive 2 otherwise intelligent and rational women to engage in this academic pursuit. I think the most important thing we did was laugh together, though.
I realize that what I need is to sit with everything that is happening in my own world, but I just cannot seem to carve a space to do this. I have been trying to, but interruptions are inevitable, competing demands create a cacophony in my daily life. So today another kiddo fell to the bug and had to get picked up from school, no dissertation work happened, and I am missing an afternoon meeting (now the feeling of being behind is creeping in)... some weeks are just like this if you decide to climb the mountain of academia pulling a little red wagon with 3 kids.
I wish it were warm; I would go back country camping where cell signals
are nonexistent and no one could find me for a while. Even better, I wish I could
find an island out in the middle of nowhere and pitch a tent for a few
days. But I want & I wish never got me very far on the road to "here", and I seriously doubt they will get me far on the road to "there" either. They are part of the illusion and I am a reality kind of gal. So when the wind blows the smoke away, I am left with the mirror. My favorite thing about a good mirror is that it provides the opportunity to see more honestly. Clearly, I am tired and busy and the Gods of Juggling have been exceedingly demanding lately. I also have amazing family and friends in my life, and we come together in various ways to share whatever might be happening. Many of us are in the middle of really big, exciting, and somewhat stressful transitions which gives us plenty to talk about - most of it quite positive. It is also important to admit that when there is a lot of uncertainty, even positive events can feel scary to me. Despite this I have to find a way to provide a sense of calm and stability for the kids while we wait to see what happens next, and that means finding a grounded and solid place for myself in times of uncertainty, even while having weeks like this.
OK mirror: you, me, and some quality time once the fry guys are in bed. I can sit with this, but I am going to studiously ignore any wrinkles or gray hairs that might have appeared - just sayin'. Even supermom can only take so much reality in a given time frame!
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