Getting in my own way

      One of the things I like best about self-reflection around a particular experience is the opportunity to see both where I am engaging well and where I am either avoiding or getting in my own way.  This week's frenzy prompted some exploration of all three things; lo and behold, I found ways to increase mobility.  Funny how that works (and it works best if you are willing to be honest with yourself about both the pretty things and the ones that feel icky). 
      I am happy with the emphasis I am keeping on my kids and my friendships.  The kids are a no brainer, and parenting them is easily what I love best about my life.  It helps that they are bright, fun, reasonably balanced, and well rounded youngsters; and I was afraid teenagers would be horrible!  My friends are also important.  Having grown up in a family that moved frequently, it became easy to not get too close to others or to not let them know you are going to miss them; proximity was always a temporary thing.  Being older, and having a few friends who have been around long enough to be historians in my life has impacted that perspective.  I have always valued my friendships and I will always hate goodbyes, but that doesn't stop me from connecting with people.  I feel the pressure of leaving soon, and my initial reaction is to pull back and just be busy (I wouldn't even have to fake it).  Instead I am leaning into those connections, choosing not to disengage from folks, and acknowledging that there will be a feeling of loss because there was relationship.  I like that in the sense that connection does not end when proximity changes; those we are closest to remain present in our thoughts and hearts (and on our phones and facebook). 
     OK, so I am happy with that, but what about the rest of the stuff?  Well, I made progress there as well.  It took looking seriously at what I was avoiding and why to solve my dilemma.  I cannot make my kids not get sick, so in reality I will miss school and work sometimes.  But there is more to it than that.  I have been stuck in the hell of screwball archival data for several weeks without progress.  I was stymied and had not received much from my chair (its his data set).  I knew he needed to take care of some things that were outside my ability to fix, and he had not yet done that.  And he needed to merge the files and find the missing data from one of the sets.  And we talked about before Thanksgiving, at the end of the semester, and via e-mail over break.  OK, enter avoidance.  I was avoiding talking to him about it again.  I hate confrontation, I hate nagging, and I completely identify with competing demands so I don't like to pressure people.  But I REALLY need this stuff fixed so I can do the first phase of analysis for my dissertation, select the target cases for the second phase, and go collect my own data set to wrap it all up.  Did I mention that the semester ends in 13 weeks and that means I will no longer have any undergraduate research assistants to help with transcription and coding after mid May?  My challenge to myself on Wednesday was to talk with my advisor, while looking at the data set together so I could show him exactly what I needed.  In the process of identifying exactly what I needed to make clear to him and how I intended to do that I solved my IRB trimming issue as well (phase 1 will be IRB exempt which saves me from writing about 2 hypotheses in the "500 word only" description section).  Once I got over my avoidance and spoke with my chair, he was on it.  I have one set of tasks he demonstrated how to address; he set himself a deadline of next Tuesday for the other work.
     Now comes the hardest part; admitting where I am getting in my own way.  In addition to working on (or trying to work on) my dissertation, I was doing some extra work for the agency where my dissertation research is housed.  They had data to collect, inventory, correct, clean, and enter, but they were short handed because a colleague was on maternity leave.  I was offered a comfortable hourly rate to help fill the gap, so I did.  I do have 2 teenagers, a tween, and a $1200 per month grocery bill after all.  But it was not leaving me enough time to work on my material.  I had to talk with my chair (as he was the one who wanted me on this other project) and tell him the ways in which my time was being spent and the ways that choice was contributing to my dissertation situation.  Until my own data collection is done, I just cannot spare the time to work on this other project.  It is disappointing for my chair.  It is disappointing to me as this means tightening my belt a bit more, but I need to get as far on my dissertation as possible in the next 13 weeks.  I needed to adjust my expectations and priorities to stop getting in the way of my progress by being over committed, even if the overcommitment developed for good reasons. 
      So its onward and upward, I guess (or maybe forward or sideways)?  I am sure there will be plenty of other opportunities for self reflection as I hiccup my way through this project and the rest of my crazy, busy, joyful life.  Hopefully each time will yield similar results that help me keep it all together and mobile while retaining some semblance of sanity  :-)

Sitting with the mirror

      I hate to admit it, but even this supermom gets overwhelmed sometimes.  Last week was zany from the beginning; my youngest got injured in Gym class (first hour on Monday) and I had to rearrange the day to accommodate a visit to the doctor and still see my clients.  It all worked out, which basically means that I did not fall behind, but I only maintained.  The rest of the week felt much the same - sitting with a friend in the ICU, attending a training, shifting client schedules, sleepovers, kids activities, my neighbor backing into my car, comps help for a friend -extra stuff came up that needed to fit in around an already packed life.  All of it was important, and I was happy to do it (except the car thing) but I am tired.  This week started the same way; by 10 AM Monday I had a sick kid needing to come home from school and a full client schedule; sacrifice another lunch break to the Gods of Juggling. 
      As I was running back to the office at 1245 yesterday, I passed one of my girlfriends.  The proverbial "How are you doing," was followed by honesty this time.  I dropped the Minnesota nice "Oh fine" long enough to tell her that I wanted to run away and cry for about an hour and then I would be fine.  She's another single mom / grad student, so she knows what I mean when I say this.  It means there is too much going on, it does not seem likely to change any time soon, and true respite feels light-years away. So what did she do?  The angel picked up dinner and came over at 6, we plunked our kids in front of a movie picnic style and then we sat at the kitchen table discussing our philosophies of life, transition, and why the world is so damn crazy.  We also spent some time wondering what insanity could possibly drive 2 otherwise intelligent and rational women to engage in this academic pursuit.  I think the most important thing we did was laugh together, though.
      I realize that what I need is to sit with everything that is happening in my own world, but I just cannot seem to carve a space to do this. I have been trying to, but interruptions are inevitable, competing demands create a cacophony in my daily life.  So today another kiddo fell to the bug and had to get picked up from school, no dissertation work happened, and I am missing an afternoon meeting (now the feeling of being behind is creeping in)... some weeks are just like this if you decide to climb the mountain of academia pulling a little red wagon with 3 kids. 
      I wish it were warm; I would go back country camping where cell signals are nonexistent and no one could find me for a while.  Even better, I wish I could find an island out in the middle of nowhere and pitch a tent for a few days.  But I want & I wish never got me very far on the road to "here", and I seriously doubt they will get me far on the road to "there" either.  They are part of the illusion and I am a reality kind of gal.  So when the wind blows the smoke away, I am left with the mirror.  My favorite thing about a good mirror is that it provides the opportunity to see more honestly.  Clearly, I am tired and busy and the Gods of Juggling have been exceedingly demanding lately.  I also have amazing family and friends in my life, and we come together in various ways to share whatever might be happening.  Many of us are in the middle of really big, exciting, and somewhat stressful transitions which gives us plenty to talk about - most of it quite positive.  It is also important to admit that when there is a lot of uncertainty, even positive events can feel scary to me.  Despite this I have to find a way to provide a sense of calm and stability for the kids while we wait to see what happens next, and that means finding a grounded and solid place for myself in times of uncertainty, even while having weeks like this.
      OK mirror: you, me, and some quality time once the fry guys are in bed.   I can sit with this, but I am going to studiously ignore any wrinkles or gray hairs that might have appeared - just sayin'.  Even supermom can only take so much reality in a given time frame!

Trimming for the IRB

      I need to trim some words - 238 of them to be exact.  This whole endeavor is ridiculous. The instructions say to "briefly summarize the overall intent of the study...include ... a statement of the objectives and the potential benefit to study subjects and/or the advancement of your field.  Generally included are literature related to the problem, hypotheses, and discussion of the problem's importance."  Oh, and you only get 500 words. (Insert frustrated face here).  Fitting internship essays into that length was a bit challenging.  Now I have to cram the description of a complex study with 5 separate hypotheses, a lit review and commentary on why my project matters into 500 words.  I am going to hate the number 500 by the time I graduate.
      I am glad it's Sunday morning; I am going to warm up the car and go  meet some friends for brunch.  Trimming will resume when I get back; I expect I will have a better attitude about it if I let myself step away for a while.