My friends and family know I don’t date – in fact it has become something of a joke because it has been so long. There are two recent experiences that have brought this reality and its complexities into a sharp focus over the past couple months. The first was a humorous observation that I was fortunate enough to be able to share with the young woman who tutors my children. The second was a visit with a dear, old friend who made time while I traveled through his community.
The first happened on a typical Wednesday evening – about as busy, boring, and ordinary as it gets. I had been running all day with my usual Mommy- soon to be-PhD stuff; working on internship applications, dissertation, seeing clients, running a parenting group, and finally stopping at the grocery store on the way home. After the scramble of unloading the car, passing out “hello” hugs, listening to the day’s escapades, and putting away groceries I headed to my room to hang up my jacket so I could start making dinner. As I walked into my room I happened to glance at my bed, and burst out laughing. I mean full bodied, tears in my eyes, lose my breath kind of laughing. Katherine walked around the corner to see what the great joke was – so I pointed to my bed “No wonder I don’t date: if it ever gets serious I have no where to put him!”
It was true, and was clearly illustrated in that one image. My laptop sits on the other pillow; texts on child psychopathology and treatment, statistics, mixed methods research, and attachment were stacked neatly below that; then journal articles on trauma and related topics; followed by a small set of sewing projects I want to finish (in all my spare time); and finally a couple CDs, my journal, and the kids school pictures I still needed to mail to folks. The image was incongruous, a neatly made bed that I only have to fold the covers back a little to crawl into, with a line of work down the other side where a partner would be in another life. The space in my life is occupied both literally and figuratively; that ordinary Wednesday evening provided a much needed laugh as well as a visual dose of the reality of the choices I have made.
I won’t lie, this reality has a bittersweet quality. I have never dated much, in fact I have only had 2 partnered relationships in the past 20 years, and briefly dated a couple guys in the years between. One thing I have been told, and do believe, is that I am not an easy woman to be in a relationship with. I am goal oriented, driven, intelligent, and assertive. While women may find these qualities attractive in a man, in my experience men rarely find these qualities attractive in a woman. The contrast is perhaps too sharp alongside my nurturing, gentle, homey, flirty side (that fits the feminine image beautifully, though). The men who have been interested in me historically are drawn to the feminine aspects of me, but I am a package deal. If I cannot be my driven, ambitious, successful, silly, sappy, hippie-esque self with a partner I would just as soon be single. I have amazing and rich friendships, so I am not lonely for company. If all I missed was sex I would simply turn to the single woman’s most trusted small appliance, the B.O.B. I can honestly admit to myself that I miss the close companionship of a full relationship, though.
I may not have admitted that as readily in the absence of my second experience. While I was traveling to interview for internships I was able to spend some time visiting a dear friend who I hadn’t seen in nearly 20 years. There were a few moments that reminded me somewhat of a date. He was charming, thoughtful, attentive, and kind – essentially the good friend he has always been. I think the contrast to my current life, as well as my past relationships, was a bit disorienting. So I had a lovely evening and had to admit to myself that perhaps I should re-evaluate my single-ness soon.
I have been home for several days, and I must admit I am somewhat conflicted by my awareness of the two experiences. I can honestly say that I have not “tested the waters” for quite a while. Perhaps it is time to think about it. Still, I am a middle aged, single mother with 3 kids (and I talk about them a lot), finishing my PhD, moving to an as yet to be determined location in less than 6 months. I am full of excuses, and most of them are things I choose actively because they matter that much to me. Ultimately though, I think I am afraid that I would have to make myself less for a partner to want to enter my life and I do not intend to do that ever again. Perhaps after I defend my dissertation and move I will be more open to dating. So my laptop is still on the other pillow, but I have cleared some of the other stuff out of the way. Its a good thing I have lots of time!
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