Happy 10th

      Tonight I find myself considering what 10 years looks like.  For me it has been an interesting decade; where it started is such an incredible contrast to where I am today.  It was a lot to hold throughout the day; this is not the traditional kind of milestone that I celebrate with others, and I would certainly not celebrate it in a way that is visible to my children.
      It was 10 years ago today that I dropped out of college and drove away from an abusive marriage with a minivan full of whatever fit that I thought would be important and $50 in my purse.  My parents had come a week earlier and taken the kids and some household stuff in their Jeep.  I had spent the week afraid that I would become another shirt on the clothesline project, but I had given notice at work and felt obligated to stay until that date.  Looking back, I cannot recall what could have possibly been that important there, but who thinks clearly under such stress?   Obviously not me.  When I hit I-94 I started to breathe again; the farther I went the easier it got; Highway 10; Highway 64, and so on.  When I arrived at my parent's house 5 hours later I realized that I had done it, finally.
      OK, now what?  It was time to put on my big girl panties and deal with my reality.  I knew what my goals were: be a good mom, get a job, and to finish my education someday.  Luxuries like school seemed so unattainable at that time, but I never took it off the list.  In the meantime I worked and adjusted to parenting alone. I swallowed my pride and accessed public assistance, lived with my parents, and saved enough to put a down payment on a house.  I was that exhausted mom in the grocery store at 6PM toting three kids (who were sometimes whining or screaming).  Eventually my youngest started kindergarten, so I finally went back to school.  Over the course of 4 years I completed 2 Bachelors degrees and a Masters degree - still working on the PhD.  Luckily I am not anticipating any major road blocks at this point; the hardest years are a decade behind me and I have gotten pretty good at managing the hiccups that appear. 
      Don't mistake my track record as the most important source of my confidence; I would not have accomplished any of this in isolation.  On average, women leave and return to an abusive relationship 7 times before staying away.  I never understood why this statistic was so surprising to folks given how stigmatized victims of intimate partner violence are in our society.  This was my third try, but I had the right supports and opportunities in my life this time.  What stands out most clearly to me is the people who have been present in my life, and the ways in which they have helped me to accomplish what once felt impossible.  Much of the inspiration, courage, and strength I found was renewed within the context of my relationships with family, friends, and mentors.  There are so many people who have been witness to and part of my journey, most never realizing what that journey actually was. 
      It was with the people in my life that I learned to begin living again, to love the ordinary, every day in my life.  OK, so I worked all day and came home and worked all night until I fell into bed.  So do a lot of other people, and it was worth it to do it well whether I was tired or not.  Making dinner became less of a chore and more of an opportunity for getting creative, having fun, and bringing people together (which subsequently made grocery shopping more enjoyable).  I sang while I washed the floors and danced while I dusted. Spelling practice became kinesthetic silliness with my son and math was a great excuse for popcorn.  My homework was forward mobility in APA format.  I hosted sleep overs and movie nights, scout meetings and BBQs.  I had late night phone calls with friends and still got up at 6 because both things mattered.   
      I try to find small ways to celebrate the everyday, and I intentionally make time for people and activities.  My friends marvel that I can manage to find time and energy for side projects and hosting get togethers; I can't image not doing so.  We only have one life.  It is not going to finally be happening in 10 years, it is happening in our everyday moments. So this 10th looked like late nite nachos and tequlia shots with Katie after the kids were asleep; 10 years could look like any woman, but tonight it looks like me.